Bad Website Design 101, class 1

Things to do if you want your website to piss off as many people as possible:

1. Autoplay sound.
And then, to add insult to ear-injury, embed the player controls at the bottom of your webpage, so that after my eardrums have been decimated by your unexpected aural fuckery, I have to scroll for half of forever to turn off the noise you're inflicting upon me without my consent.

2. @#$%^&*ing autoplay sound.
Seriously, I cannot express how badly this infuriates me. Ugh. Sidenote: Auto-playing video isn't nearly so bad because A. it tends to be at the top of the page and thus easily findable and turn-off-able, and B. the volume for video tends not to be about a hundred decibles too loud compared to whatever else you're listening to. And C. when you've opened 10 tabs at once, and all of a sudden your speakers are blaring, it's a thousand times easier to find the source. ) So, in conclusion. any sound on your webpage that I, the websurfer, don't specifically choose to listen to- is BAD.

3. Have just about everything on your website that an average visitor would want to use/explore require a popup window to run.
Because you think that clearly I don't use Java and Flash enough or have enough windows open already, and my screen isn't nearly cluttered enough for my own good. Why thank you for your concern, now go away. I'm looking at you, recent futile attempts at countertop shopping on DuPoint's convoluted website.

4. Too busy webpages, bad text, overcrowded and unfocused layots. 
Seriously? Is this honestly still happening in 2010? There are so many great free design options for every type of website these days that your ugly monstrosity has no excuse. Also, this might seem revolutionary, but figure out where you want people to look, and have everything else not fight for attention. Oh, and please, for the love of [insert deity here], get a text color and a background that are actually pleasing to the eyes. CONTRAST IS GOOD, MMKAY?

Tangent:-My mother's co-worker runs a neighborhood watch website for our area that's so hideous it honestly makes me feel a little queasy to look at it. Blue Screen of Death-coloured background with black text that's too low in contrast for eyes to focus on properly, bright, unreadably-yellow links scattered everywhere like projectile vomit, and every place you look, the text is a different font and size. Truly, I have seen the dregs of the interwebs, and it looked like that site. Which I'm emphatically NOT going to link, because as much as I'd like you to see it and agree/laugh/gag with me, I'd rather not be responsible for anyone else's fried retinas.  You're welcome.

5. Abuse of Flash.
It's pretty and shiny, but it's also a resource-hog and pretty damn unstable. So only use it when it's really necessary to get the look you want, and even then, it'd be nice if you offered an HTML-only alternative. Although, I suspect that with the bajillions of iTards flocking to browse the internet through their iPhones and iSanitaryPads, (which at least know better than to support flash with their simplified OS), more and more sites are going to have to choose between flashy flash and reaching a bigger audience. And since you only exist on the internet according to your number of pageviews... we'll see how long Adobe can keep Flash relevant without giving it a major, top to bottom overhaul.

6. Something that I forgot.
So more later, in Class 2, once I've accumulated more annoying things to rant about. Next time I might actually include links! So you, too, can join me in my perpetually annoyed state of being. Wooo. I can tell from the state of your pants that you're just as excited as I am.


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