false accusations

first there is the blind-sided shock at the surrealness of it all.

and when that wears off, then comes the anger.

Whooooosh! Crackle crackle.

That is the sound of nine years of friendship crumbling around me.

You know, I fuck up relationships with people all the time. I'm good at it. Maintaining friendships? Not so good. But at least when I kill a friendship, it's because I did something stupid. Or chronically bad. Or something. But at least *I* did it.  And not because my friend's mother discovers she's missing a piece of jewelry. and because I was last in her house months ago, I must have taken it. And then she shows up at my door. And starts yelling.

Obviously, I don't expect my friend to defend me against his mother. Friends are nice, but parents are ..you know, parents. I did expect him to know or at least presume I was innocent, of course. So when he told me he "didn't know what to think" about the situation, it was like a second blow. My heart broke a little, then.

I don't blame him. I can't blame him. Family is family, after all. And his mother's ring is still missing, as far as I know. I hope she finds it tomorrow. But even if she does, I don't think things will be the same.


"Just being boys" or simply assholes? Someone asplain me the difference.

When there's a rift between a guy's girlfriend and his best friends, Bad Things happen. And besides that, it's just so pathetically cliche. So it's a situation I try desperately to avoid- for my sanity, for his, for the sake of the relationships all around, and because coming between other people is something I never want to do, regardless of who's involved. (Unless it's an orgy. But that's a whole different type of coming between people.)

Anyway, in Serious Relationship #1, I never met his friends because we lived in different areas, and we almost always interacted in my town, not his. So that worked out. Sort of. In SR #2, we generally had the same friends, and it worked out even better.  In SR #3, he's many miles away across the pond, and his friends (who are also his roommates) are people I never see, but who affect me nonetheless.

I've been fighting really hard to not dislike my boyfriend's roommates, but I just lost another battle, and the war effort isn't looking good. As if his nickname being "Nigger Lover" for a while wasn't enough*, after three days of minimal communication time because of his schedule (which is a long time for us, believe me), we finally settle in to a VoIP call. And then his roommates, who know he is talking to me, decide to pull the internet to force him to go play games with them instead.Which he THEN DOES, because he apparently likes to reward assholish behavior. Maybe if I were an asshole*, this would be a desirable quality in a significant other. Maybe I should become an asshole just to take advantage of all the features available in my Significant Other package deal.  Maybe it's like getting a computer capable of running the most sophisticated and intensive gaming software and then never playing more than solitaire on it.

Or maybe it's just boys being boys, being laid-back individuals, being low-stress and go-with-the-flow. The fact that my boyfriend is low-stress, laid-back, and a boy are all features I enjoy. They're some of the reasons why I picked that particular model, you know. So I don't know if I'm completely off-base here or not. Sometimes he tells me things are just culturally very different between our two countries, that things aren't nearly as serious there as they are here. To a certain extent, I know that's true. Americans are generally pretty uptight compared to most other first-world country inhabitants. Or at least, I certainly am.  I also know I'm a rather serious and crotchety person some* of the time.  But come ON. There has to be a line here somewhere, I just can't tell where from my biased perspective.

I told him he was rewarding assholish behaviour, and he told me he didn't have a choice since they were holding him (presumably, the internet connection) hostage. And I'm not even going to get into the fact that now his roommates know they can pull the internet whenever they want and he'll come running. Wonderful.

This bodes well for when the roommates and I eventually meet. And then they'll wonder why I'm so standoffish. And I'll tell them. And they still won't get it. Because apparently I'm the unreasonable one here.

In the mean time, I'm practicing my fake smile.


*I'm tired of the "But we're European, we don't have the same stigmas here because we don't have your racist history blah blah blah" bullshit. And yes, I did flip my shit over that nickname. And no, he still didn't see what the big deal was. *facepalm*


*Okay, a lot of the time. ...Okay, all of the time. Shaddup again.

coherent posts are overrated

It is a good thing for the person you love to love you back, but it is a terrible thing to know the exact mechanics of that love. Because once you see the limits, no matter how close or far to them you are, it's impossible to focus on anything but that point - the point beyond which loving you costs them more than they feel they gain. Once you know that limit, once you realize their love is not boundless and eternal- everything will change.
And it has.

So, my cat bit me in the face shortly after I sliced my thumb. Karma, take two? That'll teach me to joke about 4th trimester abortions. But then I baked chocolate bread today, and everything was once again good. Or at least alright.

I've been living in an enchanted little cloud for a while now, but it's finally popped. Not in a bad, way, just in a "re-awakening to reality" kinda way. I'm a bit more grounded now, It's probably a good thing. Probably. Possibly. Maybe.

I liked it up there. =/

Also, jobhunting sux0rs a big one. Hire me dammit,  I'm more competent than half your workforce. (True story.) But also let me have the summer off so I can get some international ass. Kthx.

tiffblogger, OUT!

if you'd forgotten how terrible of a person I am...

Let me remind you.

So, yesterday the Boy and I were discussing the Safe Sex (Because nothing says protection like thirty-two hundred miles between your side of the bed and his.) which led me to the Planned Parenthood and the Wikipedia- which as we all know is like Facebook for knowledge,  it sucks you in and you spend hours of your life bouncing from page to page absorbing random facts you will never be called upon to recite at a party to make yourself seem all cool and esoteric EVEN THOUGH THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE SECRETLY HOPING FOR. 

Cruise control for cool, they tell me.

Anyway, so there I was reading up on the Birth control shot, and I come across a section that mentioned that if a woman gives birth from a pregnancy that occurred while on the shot (and in spite of it), then the resulting kid is 80% more likely to die in the first year of life.

I repeated this aloud to the Boy, who went, "Uhh, that's um..." 
"Like an abortion after the fact!" I shouted, completing his sentence for him.

And I laughed. Just a little. Before immediately wanting to punch myself in the face. HARD.
Because holy shit. I am a Bad Person

If there IS a hell - for the record, I'm calling bullshit on the whole idea, but, IF there is one, I just confirmed my one-way ticket.

FYI, you are all morally-suspect individuals for being friends with me.
You're welcome.

In a totally, completely, obviously unrelated sidenote:
Sharp knives are sharp. Especially ones you just sharpened on both a whetstone AND a sharpening steel two minutes prior to using. You can slice through half the tip of your thumb INCLUDING YOUR FINGERNAIL! with them before you realize what's happening.

Also also, karma is a bitch.