bloggy birthday

I realized this blog is a year old as of two days ago. With an average of one post every 19 days or so, I can firmly say that I have not accomplished my original goal of getting myself into the habit of writing more. But when I think of where my life was one year ago compared to where it is today, I'm tentatively optimistic that things are indeed improving. Things are different in so many ways- people who were in my life then aren't anymore. I've gained a love, made tiny movements towards regaining one of the most prescious friendships I've lost, and have started to take control of my life in a more adult fashion. Or I've been shoved into it. But it still counts. So there.

So while my original goal still needs some work, at least now there are more people in my life pushing me to write besides myself. And I can't help but feel this blog played a role in accomplishing that. So thank you, blog, and happy birthday. I got you some new layout-related shinies, I hope you like them.

"you did everything good, so..."

...he trailed off with a little shrug and signed my paperwork.

And with that, I, tiffany-janelle lastnameredacted, at the age of 23,
have passed my driving exam. ZOMG.

that is all.

Cheating, or How to Be an Asshole in 1 Easy Step

Dear people dating my friends:

Cheating. DON'T DO IT.

I'd think I'd not have to go into detail why, but apparently there are way too many people out there that have the moral fiber of warm butter. So let Janelle asplain you something: in real relationships, you open yourself up to the other person, and vice versa. Sometimes quickly, sometimes it's a slow process. Different people open up emotionally to different depths, etc. I'm sure you know all this. Unintentional hurts are bound to happen, it's natural, unavoidable, and overcomable, if both of you are willing. But cheating on your significant other is an intentional hurt. Even if you "get swept up in the moment," it's pain you are intentionally inflicting on someone else, damage you are purposefully doing to your relationship. And if you are too "swept up" to see that, then respectfully, you are probably too selfish and inconsiderate to be in a relationship with anyone. Nevertheless any of the select group of people I call friends, over whom I am ridiculously protective. (I re-wrote that sentence three times so I wouldn't end on a preposition. Mr. Zuroski, my 11th-grade English teacher would be so proud.)

*Ahem.* Anyway. Life is about choices. If you choose to kiss, cuddle, sleep with or otherwise engage in romantic intimacy with someone other than the person you're monogamous with, you are choosing to break their trust, choosing to make the connection you two have that much less special, sacred, worthwhile. And I'll think you're a class A asshole for it, personally.

When you find yourself in circumstances that look like they're going to get compromising or complicated, grow a pair, call up your significant other and tell him or her that you are no longer going to be considering your relationship a monogamous one- before, not after the fact. If you care about someone enough to date them, you at least owe them that much, no? But that's the mature, responsible, non-assholish thing to do, so I can see some people might not even consider that an option.

But if you can't handle that, do all the decent, single men and women in the world a favour --and stop dating. At least until you get your shit together, and can know what you want and how to get it without trampling over others in the process.

And as my phone continues to blink at me with the news of yet another friend's fresh pain brought on by the extreme selfishness of his other half, I can't help but think how pointless all this is. This isn't the first time a friend has come to me with this news. And unfortunately, it won't be the last. There was one that cried into my lap. One who stained my pillow with his blood after punching a wall because his anger and pain had to go somewhere, anywhere, before it destroyed him. And one who has only just told me -who won't cry- but will withdraw the rest of what little trust he places in people as it is. And my heart breaks every time. Not just because I've been there myself, and know well how deep that betrayal goes, but because such pain is just so avoidable. So easily preventable if we'd just stop holding ourselves to such low standards when dealing with the feelings of others. Gah.

other fish in the sea

I've had previous long-term relationships before. He has not. And this worries me, because something about this, about him, feels very different. Potential isn't exactly the right word, but for the first time I've met someone that I involuntarily picture myself with in five months, in five years, in five.... well, you see where I'm going with this. And if you know me at all, you must know that I am officially scared shitless. Part of me wishes he'd dated more,so that one day he won't wake up wishing he'd "tested the waters" a bit more before being rushed to the altar by yours truly. (I hope I don't have to remind you that last bit was indeed facetious.)But I do feel something truly serious developing between us, and to take his word at face value, he does too. But I know I wouldn't have been ready for this relationship at twenty, and I'm secretly skeptical that he is. Instead, I keep picturing him as a lovestruck youngin' who only thinks it's love because it's the first time he's been serious with someone. And I'm probably doing him a great disservice to have these persistant thoughts, but I can't help being scared that that is the case. Because I so desperately hope it's not.

And I haven't had a place for hope in my life for a long time.

And by way of apology- I'm sorry. Some fears are just easier to share with my text editor.